Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Randomize
