i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
porn star boner night. come get it.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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