Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
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