Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
Randomize
