His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Randomize
