Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Randomize
