please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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