My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
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