You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
Randomize
