She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
worst night to have a conscience
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
