Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
