I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
pop tarts are not kleenex
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize