Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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