how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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