why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
A+ Viking dick
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
Randomize
