angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Randomize
