I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
Watching her eat just hurts me
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
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