My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
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