it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
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