Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
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