she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Congratulations! We have a period
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