He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
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