I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Randomize
