i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
Randomize
