Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
Randomize
