Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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