If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
