At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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