I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
