My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
Dignity is for republicans.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Randomize
