So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Randomize
