ARI BLEW A 2.0 HAHAHAHAHAHHAHH THESE COPS ARE SO COOL!!!!
i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Randomize
