no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
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