At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
Randomize
