just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
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