God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
