addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
