I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
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