i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Randomize
