Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
