Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
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