Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
We just shotgunned beers for America
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
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