Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
