we should wear snuggies to the strip club
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
