Go study a dick amy that's outrageous
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Randomize
