my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Has anyone heard from Jamie or has she actually just been having sex for 48 hours?
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
