Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Randomize
