onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh
wow.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
I don't want my vagina anymore.
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