I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Randomize
