This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Randomize
