I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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