I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize