WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
