How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
Let's discuss options later this evening. I'll draw out said options and compare and contrast the "accessibility" of the costume for quickies. Because you never know. Halloween is full of surprises. I'll also compare practicality, level of skank, and creative features.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
