bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
Go christen that room with your naked body.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
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