saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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