Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
