I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Randomize
