I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
Randomize
