why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
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