ya dads aren't the best wingmen
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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