two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
You've changed since you got that strap on
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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