history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Randomize
