you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
