His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
Please don't give away my fajitas
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
