I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
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